we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The uberlube is also flammable
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
