why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
