I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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