i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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