His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
