Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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