i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize