Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize