ya dads aren't the best wingmen
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
