I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
