is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
