someone threw a dead crab at me
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
