Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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