Are we in a gay sports bar?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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