Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
