hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
