Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
