Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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