When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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