last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize