I didn't shave. On purpose
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
