Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
