the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
