Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize