If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. š
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Thanks for going with me today. Itās been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
Itās called āshopping for lingerieā and itās one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
