Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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