its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I've blown a few things in my day
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I understand Curling. That high.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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