A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
