Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
