We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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