I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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