You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
did i just pee glitter
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
