Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
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