I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
