So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
