Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
she told me i tasted like america
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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