He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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