I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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