Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
