Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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