I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
