I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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