i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
