Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
