I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize