so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize