i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
either way he was missing a nipple.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
