Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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