So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
