Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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