she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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