How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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