I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
