there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize