I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
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