Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
