It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
