I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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