Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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