My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize