There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
