He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize