I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
